A Penniless girl, bad dates & plenty of oysters

I've got a pretty face & a pretty extensive urban spoon
wish list...
We all know that getting what you want in life can be tough. Which is why I've decided to let someone else finance my dreams. My dream? To eat in pretty restaurants without costing me a penny. You had me at Elk Tartare, lost me at chin strap. Follow me to learn who I screw over, bang and love as I navigate Toronto’s diners, drive-ins & dives.

Can I get some good conversation for dessert?

I strongly dislike people who applaud everything all the time. So if you’re feeling a little optimistic I suggest you take that kumbaya circle back to group therapy because my standards are high & some of these restaurants don’t stand a chance. This ain’t about looking on no bright side, the truth hurts and it usually comes filled with statements like “your unibrow makes you look ugly”.
First date of the evening 
"I’ll show you pictures of my cat"- as my date with all his unibrow glory whips out his iPhone. Stop there. Go no further. You’ve already lost. That paired with the "big news" he has to tell me once we see each other on the date. So after the conversation has come to yet another stand still, I ask "What’s the big news?" He passed 3 out of 9 tests, courses (I have no clue) for his accounting job….he scored in the best 40%??? I think we can all agree that if you have an accounting job you shouldn’t talk about work on the first date…or any date. It’s about grabbing my attention, not about losing it. Better luck next time mr.big news
Second date of the evening 
"I know" he says across a plate of oyster, "I know". Intuitively
I know what he’s getting at but intellectually I haven’t quite figured that out yet. As a result I sit there speechless hoping he doesn’t up turn a table in the amidst of a testosterone fuelled rage. Instead I am presented with this envelope…
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The envelope has this inside…
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"You’re paying" he says. A dark clouds forms above my pretty head and slowly the realization hits. I’m suddenly regretting ordering a second plate of oysters & my new high browed lifestyle comes to a halt. Surprisingly the date continues. Apparently his original plan was to dine & dash leaving me behind bill & all, typical damsel in distress. But he abandoned that plan when he actually started liking me. The rest of the night takes place and ordinary friday night debauchery ensues.
Between split bills, getting caught, actually liking the guy & ending up getting drunk at a jack asters I can safely say I’ve broken all my rules on date 3. What can I say? I’m a sucker for whiskey. Gimme a couple a shots of jack and I will shoot the shit with lake scugog’s finest. I’ve had enough of the petit fours & I’m heading straight for the nachos. Better luck next time hot mess.
So the jig is up, I’ve been caught, wait….wait…there! The camera is just right, close up on my woe is me moment.
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Question of the hour….Is this going to stop me? Hell no. The new plan? Guys who are fresh off the boat & literally have no friend based established in the country yet. “You’ve just arrived in Canada from Israel? Perfect, why don’t you take me out for dinner?” 
#genius

  1. restauranttipsfromaserialdater posted this