A Penniless girl, bad dates & plenty of oysters

I've got a pretty face & a pretty extensive urban spoon
wish list...
We all know that getting what you want in life can be tough. Which is why I've decided to let someone else finance my dreams. My dream? To eat in pretty restaurants without costing me a penny. You had me at Elk Tartare, lost me at chin strap. Follow me to learn who I screw over, bang and love as I navigate Toronto’s diners, drive-ins & dives.

But why kill me? Like over a 20$ meal?

Classic. Just another day in the life of Toronto’s most hated serial dater. Death threats have been issued, so a pretty girl’s got to keep her wits about her. The pre-date text message, “Hey you’re not that guy on the internet who wants to dismember my body & toss it in the ocean right?”, is now pretty standard date protocol. 
The restaurant? Kinton Ramen.

Me:”I’m so excited I’ve never tried Ramen before”
Friend: “It’s just soup”
Yup, turns out I’m going to have to agree with my friend on that one. It’s just soup. Mr.noodkes could run circles around that ramen. Maybe I didn’t go rich enough with the broth… My sister makes better soup than that! Oh yeah…and the yelling can stop.
The man? He was what I will refer to as a “shadow” date, a presence that sort of lurks in the background while  I remain centre stage and am forced to do all the talking. Great. I love dating. I really want to talk about how many siblings I have, where my parents are from, and how I don’t normally “do this” (meaning go on blind dates- which is of course a lie). It’s a snooze fest and somehow I’m not invited to the party but am forced to continue with this incessant monologue. It’s true, girls love to talk about themselves, however men, you need to step up to the plate with the questions. This shouldn’t feel like sunday tea at my grandma’s nursing home.

Bigger than Pogs, bigger than Cigarettes.

Next week she’ll be older than pogs..

Overnight news? Please. I’m so famous… it’s almost time for me to start my plastic surgery fund and I’m already planning my brief stint in rehab. This serial dater is taking on the world. One meal at a time. Dinner date offers are raining in from all corners of the globe & as soon as I get my hands on one of those fancy jets, I’m going to take all these gentlemen up on their offers.

Dinner witch, douchebaguette, pasta-tute- are some of the more favourable names I’ve been given. It seems a new hit list has formed. Arch & point folks, it’s time I take out my haters one joyous moment at a time…

Vice. Is this story worth your precious time? Well, you are in fact writing about it. I used to like you, Vice, one of my favourite articles-was a well crafted piece about a man who eats roadkill.  So really Vice? REALLY? I’ll have more class than you, here’s the link back to that winner…. http://www.vice.com/en_ca/Fringes/the-man-who-eats-roadkill 

This coming week the serial dater hits the big apple!

The Mandarin

The mandarin? Really? What about “let’s go to Bestellen” is this guy just not getting? He is good looking though, I will give him that. So yes Mr. blue eyes and chiseled jaw you may escort me to the mandarin and that confidence you’re exuding is making it less awkward when you hold doors open for me, so kudos. There are lines though & the whole me being able to sit down in a chair without your help…yah turns out I’m capable of that. Tip: Remember this isn’t 1804 we no longer exchange love letters via pigeon carriers; let a girl seat herself too avoid awkward confusion. Speaking of lines, you thought buffet lines moved from left to right? Well think again. We’re at the Mandarin folks & it’s pretty much a free for all.

Socks & sandals? Check.


Sweat pants? Check.


Weird unidentifiable sushi? Check.

My date at the mandarin summed up? A meal well wasted.
The best thing I ate? A shapeless dumpling…well speaking of shape my date had some & for all of you with your minds in the gutter, Yes, I am talking about the shape of his cock…lets just say I left the mandarin on the hungry side.

Finding love at the Mandarin? I think yes. 

If you’re not a looker why not take me to O noir?

So you meet me on the subway, I tell you I’m writing a food blog called restaurant tips from a serial dater and I tell you I’m an actress and you still agree to go out with me? Idiot.
Rule number one of sketchy online dating, Always have a back-up date. I might not be prepared for real life but as far as my dating life goes I’m always ready with back-ups. You can’t be too careful in this busy world what with the internet & all. You never know when someone might cancel on you, which is why I almost always try to have 2 dates good to go for the same evening. Tip: It doesn’t hurt too have a 3rd person you might call on for last minute cancellations. 
Cry me a river it didn’t work out with mystery man # 57
Good thing this gals got a string of unsuspecting men lined up.

This just in from the brilliant minds & deepest darkest depths of Reddit (where one only discusses the moral implications of throwing dog food on men for pleasure & dominatrix jobs) I give you the plan of the century, “I’d totally leave her with the bill! #genius.” I must say, just when I doubted your creditability & intelligence the minds perpetrating the endless jargon on Reddit came up with this winning plan. Good job guys! You keep on doing that thing you do where you go on a really long nerdy tangent and draw really exciting insightful conclusions, like “Yes I think we can all agree now Toronto would be considered a small city”.  Now back to something a tad more gripping my life
So now that I’m internet famous, do you think I can swindle some better looking richer guys to take me out? I hope so because ugh dating is a lot of work and sometimes this happens….that moment when you find out your date wants to talk & get to know you before they consent to dinner. BUSTING MY BALLS. Sorry bro ain’t gonna fly with this biddy. Oh yea & that thing you do where you keep “checking in” with me to make sure I’m having a good time…yah, stop that.
WaitstopI’m confused. Am I drowning innocent puppies or am I going on first dates with guys having them pay for my dinners and never calling them again? How about we leave our morals at the door and move onto something a little more interesting and I don’t mean the conversation with my date and I don’t mean this thread…
In a world where we can only “presume” my friends and family would be saddened by my death-I am after all a soulless women deserving a swift kick to the cunt. My better judgement tells me to eat on, wishing myself only the best appetizers!

Serial Dater under scrutiny


Is she a monster?

Is she the female Tucker Max?

Am I thinking a little too hard about this & spending too much time on Reddit again?

This just in, sometimes women don’t have the best intentions. Toronto men of Reddit, hold on to your neck beards. This girl is looking for love in her lobster roll, not your academic achievements. Men of Toronto be warned there is a menace on the loose, she’s bleach blonde, about 5’6, slim build and has an appetite for oysters. Reality check? Toronto gold diggers exist. Be afraid, be very afraid. 

Check out my radio interview


Stalker vibes are never good vibes

Stalker vibes are never good vibes.  It’s when your stare lingers a little to long and your smile shifts from innocent admiration to something a little more sinister and everyone, even the waiters feel a little more awkward as a result. Or that moment in the date where you decide to formally stand up, cross to my side of the table and ask to kiss me…”No please sit down, that’s really awkward what you just did”. Schulich you make em rich but alas Don Juan’s you don’t make. The man’s got no game, mumbling about finance this & golf that. Oh and I know you think I’m really pretty but no one likes a doormat, so even though I’m really liking that you let me eat your portion of oysters and you let me eat half your entree, it’s time to man up, have a protein shake & stop letting women walk all over you. The Restaurant Woodlot, creative canadian comfort food without a twist. Voted one of TO’s best restaurants in Now Magazine at some point, though it’s all pretty run of the mill stuff here…what with the Micro Brew selection (something that is becoming a dime a dozen in this city) and the (yawn) rustic decor. It’s all exposed brick, men serving you in plaid shirts & butternut squash ravioli with sage- a dish that rarely fails. The Oysters were lacking in accoutrements (just the standard lemon, horse radish & mignonette sauce) call me high browed but I could of gone for a refreshing ginger-lime relish. Conclusion Woodlot does it right it just doesn’t do it that different.

Back to dating. When you have to stand on a street corner after dinner and try to convince your date for 10 minutes (while she is waiting for the bus so she can escape) to kiss you…yeah you should probably get the hint that it’s not going well. Saying things like “C’mon you are a Canadian girl not an Indian girl” isn’t going to help “loosen” her up either. Sorry Mr.Fuckingweirdo white girls just don’t get down like that….with guys like you…

What was that?

Please don’t be the sound of my creepy date crawling through my window or scratching at my door.

Believe me sweetie I got enough to feed the needy

Exploiting men for meals is tough. I have to put up with a lot of bad conversation and to be honest for awhile there I didn’t think I was up for the challenge. Yes, I had some good food but was it really worth my time? Keeping up with all the silly text messages, feigning interest in things I don’t care about and trying to figure out who the fuck is who. My friend had a few questions for me..
Friend: hah ok so do you EVER like the guys on these dates? would you ever do a round two?
Me: hahah…i actually haven’t liked a single one
Friend: have any of them been good looking?
Me: fuck no, pretty ugly actually mostly 2 & 3’s bro
Friend: well that’s too bad I guess
Me: not really, 2 &3’s will pay for anything..but yeah the dates are weird because there is a sense that the guy knows there is no chance with me so its just bizarre
Friend: do you ever get nervous for the dates?
Me: I usually get a bit nervous before…and i almost always want to not go through with it, like pretty much every time, I usually need to put forth ALOT of energy to make it not awkward. 
So the conclusion is…was it worth my time? Yes. I miss the tartare and all the glamor. I’ve had it with eating chickpea’s from cans in my apartment and stealing sushi from Loblaws. I’ve got to get back on this free meal bandwagon. Life is just to innutritious without all this dating. And yes sometimes in life things don’t come easy, sometimes you need to sacrifice a little good conversation to achieve a much greater goal of lets say… Toronto’s finest Oysters? 
The next step? Coming to terms with the fact my Jdate account has been suspended. Cry me a river my days of dating jewish boys are done OKCUPID hook me up. I’m sure with this face it’ll be hard…
Meet Metildaasaurus aka Metilda (yes I’ve learned and am now using a fake name) Here is brief glimpse of my new HOT profile on OKCUPID 
"My self-Summary: I am an organization fanatic. Don’t go a day without my day planner. Always on the go! I love my job, I’m always working away! Being a full-time cop isn’t easy. Ball busting 101 is my class of choice. Don’t let the pretty face fool you. I also love Poerty. What am I doing with my life? Eat. Sleep. Be a cop."
Next stop? Please someone ask me out for dinner or fuck it I’ll ask you. But you have to pay though because I’m a lady.

Canoe takes the cake

Although I regrettably didn’t have dessert- new rule, AGD, Always Get Dessert, unless of course it’s the fried horchata from Hacienda, which I will describe as a very confused dish. Is it a donut? Is it supposed to be this under cooked? Was I supposed to taste baking soda? I..I…just don’t know. Hacienda, the newest of the Playa Cabana series definitely did not disappoint though. A tapas style spin on Mexican cuisine, although small in size these tacos pack complex flavors.


I would recommend sticking to the soft taco’s though, the hard ones not only pose a challenge to eat but the tortilla doesn’t soak up all the sauces like the soft ones do and if you’re anything like me at the end of a meal eaten completely with your fingers, dignity is out the window & you’re sponging up the sauces until you’ve done Juan’s job for him and that plate is clean. [Fat People Friendly:  Is an indication of whether or not you will be eating your meal on your neighbor’s lap or sopping up some sauce in a spacious fenced in backyard.] Is Hacienda Fat People Friendly? Not really. You can’t get through the joint without bumping into a handful of sassy bubbly waiters, whose lingering stares must be an assessment of whether or not you belong at the cool table. Regrettably the menu is lacking in choices, understandably so Hacienda is the most recent addition to the Playa Cabana family who I see as the gay younger brother; flashy & intelligent but lacking in size…


Canoe is the prom queen and everyone wants to be her because she’s so pretty. So don’t be jealous douchebaguettes because even the complimentary bread is laced with gold & pumpkin seeds and brings promises of unicorns and duck so tender you’ve only ever heard whispers of it. What I ordered? Oysters to start. Followed by succulent slices of smoked duck breast placed on top a watercrest & dandelion puree and one mustn’t forget the scattered pieces of foie gras.


This is easily the best meal I’ve had so far and might actually be in the running for best meal I’ve had to date, ah but Italy…& then there was that meal in Cannes, now I’m rambling. Though the service is slow, very slow, but you can’t expect a pretty girl to rush, she has things to do and god forbid you get in her way. Just sit down, shut up and enjoy the view ;)


Fat people friendly? Yes.

****To the haters & dah grammar poelice, I no I have been mixing up my twos and toos, please forgive me. I am merely a 21st century blogger, a victim of what I refer too as, the Microsoft WERD generation.


Babydoll give me the truth but add a little creme fraiche to it?

"I have a shoe fetish", says the pseudo normal looking 20 something year old biker who has pulled over to the side of the curb to talk to me.
"I’m sorry?"
"I have a favour to ask of you. Would you let me lick the bottom of your shoes?"
"ummm I don’t think so"
"What about if I laid on the ground and let you walk all over me?"
"ummm yeah no sorry good luck with that", I say as I scurry off to Jabistro
 the restaurant au du jour. This can only mean good things. It is a good bad date omen I am sure. I approach the restaurant when I see it. Uh oh. Oh no. Please no. He has flowers. Not just one rose (because we all know that would be classy) but a whole bouquet of roses. Is it just me or do I smell tacky, forced smiles, and transparent “thank you, you shouldn’t have’s”. Reel it in Romeo, there is a reason the art of the sonnet didn’t make it to the dating culture circa 2013.  Here’s the challenge, enduring the next 2 hours whilst drawing unnecessary attention to ourselves curtesy of these beautiful flowers you’ve brought me. Suddenly I am envious of Jabistro’s underwhelming decor and I find myself wanting to fade into the beige bamboo walls. That mixed with you’re eating way too slow and your stories have no climax.  
Jabistro, which I will describe as the highlight of the night, blow torched sashimi, slices of smoked duck, this is not your typical sushi joint. It has much more than the average chicken teriyaki and your typical lacking in substance miso soup. It’s busy though, as any good restaurant should be- I’m not going to eat at your restaurant to feel like I am the only person who exists. Eating is a social endeavour and Jabistro, being the to hip for the house surprisingly friendly hipster is talking the talk. Erin recommends. Need I say more? Well I’m not going too. 

Dating a guy more than once is just unethical. 
An excerpt from a conversation with an annynomus friend (whose identity is protected by the Save the Lama endangered species of the wilderness Project)
the problem , Erin.
is that you will eventually like them
and want to date them again..”
We all know I’m quite the charmer, what with my dashing good looks 
and my all star personality, these guys just can’t help themselves but fall for this inevitably good catch, but wait stop, what if I fall for one of these guys?? Dr.Phil, help me! Guide me through this crisis of copious amounts of free food and compliments.
Getting my priorities straight. Am I looking for boyfriends? God no I am trying to avoid those like the plague. Hell have no fury like an ex-boyfriends insults and death threats aside, I’m done with that shit yo. So if you’re looking to score another date with this hot commodity better get in line because that’s what everyone wants so join the club & preach it the choir. Just don’t get all ‘Bitter, table for one on me.’ Thanks boys. 

A Happy Ending.