Next week she’ll be older than pogs..
Overnight news? Please. I’m so famous… it’s almost time for me to start my plastic surgery fund and I’m already planning my brief stint in rehab. This serial dater is taking on the world. One meal at a time. Dinner date offers are raining in from all corners of the globe & as soon as I get my hands on one of those fancy jets, I’m going to take all these gentlemen up on their offers.
Dinner witch, douchebaguette, pasta-tute- are some of the more favourable names I’ve been given. It seems a new hit list has formed. Arch & point folks, it’s time I take out my haters one joyous moment at a time…
Vice. Is this story worth your precious time? Well, you are in fact writing about it. I used to like you, Vice, one of my favourite articles-was a well crafted piece about a man who eats roadkill. So really Vice? REALLY? I’ll have more class than you, here’s the link back to that winner…. http://www.vice.com/en_ca/Fringes/the-man-who-eats-roadkill
This coming week the serial dater hits the big apple!
Socks & sandals? Check.
Sweat pants? Check.
Weird unidentifiable sushi? Check.
Finding love at the Mandarin? I think yes.
Is she a monster?
Is she the female Tucker Max?
Am I thinking a little too hard about this & spending too much time on Reddit again?
This just in, sometimes women don’t have the best intentions. Toronto men of Reddit, hold on to your neck beards. This girl is looking for love in her lobster roll, not your academic achievements. Men of Toronto be warned there is a menace on the loose, she’s bleach blonde, about 5’6, slim build and has an appetite for oysters. Reality check? Toronto gold diggers exist. Be afraid, be very afraid.
Check out my radio interview
Stalker vibes are never good vibes. It’s when your stare lingers a little to long and your smile shifts from innocent admiration to something a little more sinister and everyone, even the waiters feel a little more awkward as a result. Or that moment in the date where you decide to formally stand up, cross to my side of the table and ask to kiss me…”No please sit down, that’s really awkward what you just did”. Schulich you make em rich but alas Don Juan’s you don’t make. The man’s got no game, mumbling about finance this & golf that. Oh and I know you think I’m really pretty but no one likes a doormat, so even though I’m really liking that you let me eat your portion of oysters and you let me eat half your entree, it’s time to man up, have a protein shake & stop letting women walk all over you. The Restaurant Woodlot, creative canadian comfort food without a twist. Voted one of TO’s best restaurants in Now Magazine at some point, though it’s all pretty run of the mill stuff here…what with the Micro Brew selection (something that is becoming a dime a dozen in this city) and the (yawn) rustic decor. It’s all exposed brick, men serving you in plaid shirts & butternut squash ravioli with sage- a dish that rarely fails. The Oysters were lacking in accoutrements (just the standard lemon, horse radish & mignonette sauce) call me high browed but I could of gone for a refreshing ginger-lime relish. Conclusion Woodlot does it right it just doesn’t do it that different.
Back to dating. When you have to stand on a street corner after dinner and try to convince your date for 10 minutes (while she is waiting for the bus so she can escape) to kiss you…yeah you should probably get the hint that it’s not going well. Saying things like “C’mon you are a Canadian girl not an Indian girl” isn’t going to help “loosen” her up either. Sorry Mr.Fuckingweirdo white girls just don’t get down like that….with guys like you…
What was that?
Please don’t be the sound of my creepy date crawling through my window or scratching at my door.
Although I regrettably didn’t have dessert- new rule, AGD, Always Get Dessert, unless of course it’s the fried horchata from Hacienda, which I will describe as a very confused dish. Is it a donut? Is it supposed to be this under cooked? Was I supposed to taste baking soda? I..I…just don’t know. Hacienda, the newest of the Playa Cabana series definitely did not disappoint though. A tapas style spin on Mexican cuisine, although small in size these tacos pack complex flavors.
I would recommend sticking to the soft taco’s though, the hard ones not only pose a challenge to eat but the tortilla doesn’t soak up all the sauces like the soft ones do and if you’re anything like me at the end of a meal eaten completely with your fingers, dignity is out the window & you’re sponging up the sauces until you’ve done Juan’s job for him and that plate is clean. [Fat People Friendly: Is an indication of whether or not you will be eating your meal on your neighbor’s lap or sopping up some sauce in a spacious fenced in backyard.] Is Hacienda Fat People Friendly? Not really. You can’t get through the joint without bumping into a handful of sassy bubbly waiters, whose lingering stares must be an assessment of whether or not you belong at the cool table. Regrettably the menu is lacking in choices, understandably so Hacienda is the most recent addition to the Playa Cabana family who I see as the gay younger brother; flashy & intelligent but lacking in size…
Canoe is the prom queen and everyone wants to be her because she’s so pretty. So don’t be jealous douchebaguettes because even the complimentary bread is laced with gold & pumpkin seeds and brings promises of unicorns and duck so tender you’ve only ever heard whispers of it. What I ordered? Oysters to start. Followed by succulent slices of smoked duck breast placed on top a watercrest & dandelion puree and one mustn’t forget the scattered pieces of foie gras.
This is easily the best meal I’ve had so far and might actually be in the running for best meal I’ve had to date, ah but Italy…& then there was that meal in Cannes, now I’m rambling. Though the service is slow, very slow, but you can’t expect a pretty girl to rush, she has things to do and god forbid you get in her way. Just sit down, shut up and enjoy the view ;)
Fat people friendly? Yes.
****To the haters & dah grammar poelice, I no I have been mixing up my twos and toos, please forgive me. I am merely a 21st century blogger, a victim of what I refer too as, the Microsoft WERD generation.
A Happy Ending.